Jokes

Originally posted by sonhouse
Two Irishmen leave a bar.

HEY, It could happen.....

A Jewish man was waiting at the bus stop when a 20 stone man approached him and said ." What times the next bus due "
The Jewish man replied " about 5minutes ,you fat bastard "

Easter in Canada Eh !

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, so, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder...
"St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

NOT a joke but BBT: Bizarre But True.
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl
to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it
on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two
and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."

Originally posted by Great Big Stees
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken_gun

YouTube

Yup...that's the gun. 😉

Car owner: "I would like two new windshield wipers for my Dacia."

Auto parts dealer: "Yeah, ok, it's a fair trade."

A talking scales was installed outside the chemist for a cost of a 1 dollar coin.

First an Englishmen hoped on an inserted a coin. As the scales gathered the height and weight. A voice replied, "You are perfect" He smiled and left.
A Maori then inserted a coin and waited a couple of seconds. A voice replied, "Better slow down on those mince pies and paua fritters" He accepted the constructive criticism and left looking to seek change.
Next a mental health patient placed a coin in the slot. A few seconds later a voice replied. "One at a time please".

Originally posted by Executioner Brand
A talking scales was installed outside the chemist for a cost of a 1 dollar coin.

First an Englishmen hoped on an inserted a coin. As the scales gathered the height and weight. A voice replied, "You are perfect" He smiled and left.
A Maori then inserted a coin and waited a couple of seconds. A voice replied, "Better slow down on those mince pie ...[text shortened]... patient placed a coin in the slot. A few seconds later a voice replied. "One at a time please".

I stopped reading when I got to "You are perfect". I figure that HAD to be the punchline.

Originally posted by Executioner Brand
A talking scales was installed outside the chemist for a cost of a 1 dollar coin.

First an Englishmen hoped on an inserted a coin. As the scales gathered the height and weight. A voice replied, "You are perfect" He smiled and left.
A Maori then inserted a coin and waited a couple of seconds. A voice replied, "Better slow down on those mince pie ...[text shortened]... patient placed a coin in the slot. A few seconds later a voice replied. "One at a time please".

I was waiting for the line where Donald Trump steps on the scale.

"You are a disaster !!" 😀

Originally posted by mghrn55
I was waiting for the line where Donald Trump steps on the scale.

"You are a disaster !!" 😀

Trump stepped on the scale and the scale said that you are the greatest president of the US ever. You are making America great again. Donald kept putting coins in the scale until Ivanka could be rushed to him and drag him away from it.

For lunch today I had a Wookie steak.

Found it a little Chewy.

😞

Originally posted by Ghost of a Duke
For lunch today I had a Wookie steak.

Found it a little Chewy.

😞

I had a meal in a Chinese restaurant the other day .
I called the waiter over and told him my chicken tasted rubbery .
He said " thank you ,I pass compliment to chef "

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

So this guy is ice fishing next to another gentleman who is having a great deal of success. What unnerved him was, he was not catching a thing even though they were fishing in the same spot and seemingly using the same worm bait. So he leans over and asks the chap, what is your secret, why are you catching so many fish and I'm not? The gentleman replied, "www wwww ww wwww www wwwww wwww" The guy says, "What?" The gentleman replied, "WWW WWWW WWWW WWW WWWWW WWWW!" The man said, "Sorry, I still don't understand you" To which the gentleman spat on the ground and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Donald Trump