Jokes

Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"



The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."


"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"


"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."



"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"


"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."


"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"


"Well, this week...nothing!"



++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to allow them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.



St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.


The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?



After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."



"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"


St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.




"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.



"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

A man was walking deep in the dreaded dark forest of Translyvania. He comes across a man who jumps up and says 'I want to suck your blood, I am Count Dracula".
The man, frightened out of his wits pulls out his trusty cross and aims it at him.

Dracula says, that won't do any good, I am a JEWISH vampire....

Originally posted by @sonhouse
A man was walking deep in the dreaded dark forest of Translyvania. He comes across a man who jumps up and says 'I want to suck your blood, I am Count Dracula".
The man, frightened out of his wits pulls out his trusty cross and aims it at him.

Dracula says, that won't do any good, I am a JEWISH vampire....

YM "Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!"

I finally got to visit the Air and Space Museum in Washington DC but when we walked into the building it was completely empty.

It's a sad day. My neighbor, who owns an Italian restaurant, pasta away.

Originally posted by @whodey
It's a sad day. My neighbor, who owns an Italian restaurant, pasta away.

The smallest book in the world ...the Italian book of war heroes .

Originally posted by @phil3000
The smallest book in the world ...the Italian book of war heroes .

Whodey's Book of Wisdom

Trump

Originally posted by @coquette
Trump

Yes, but it's Bush's fault.

The traveling salesman was cruising along the highway whistling to the radio playing an authentic country and western melody sung by Keith Urban when a deer darted out and caused him to swerve and roll his car twice. He was knocked unconscious with a serious concussion and when he awoke he was aching from head to toe and bleeding from his head and arms and legs. It felt like his left arm was broken and his right knee and ankle were killing him with pain.

He crawled out of the upside down car through the broken driver's window causing further cuts on his back and belly and hips and arms and legs and hands. He was in excruciating pain that was so bad that he felt nauseated and dizzy when he tried to lift himself up.

He saw a light in a window about 300 or so yards up the road. He half crawled, inch by inch, to the front door of the farm house and half knocked and half clawed at the door.

The farmer came to the door and looked down and was so distressed to see him laying and shaking there in such agonizing pain. At least it looked like there were no obviously broken bones and his bleeding had stopped. The farmer called for a tow and also called and let the police know what happened. He also offered to call an ambulance.

The salesman waived off the ambulance and said, "If you don't mind . . I think I'll be okay . . . could I just stay tonight . . . . and see how I feel in the morning?"

The farmer frowned and said "Sure, that's fine, but, sorry, I don't have a daughter."

The salesman half smiled and said, "Gosh, thanks, mighty hospitable of you . . um .. . well . . how far is it to the next farmhouse?"

Originally posted by @billyray
The traveling salesman was cruising along the highway whistling to the radio playing an authentic country and western melody sung by Keith Urban when a deer darted out and caused him to swerve and roll his car twice. He was knocked unconscious with a serious concussion and when he awoke he was aching from head to toe and bleeding from his head and arms and ...[text shortened]... sh, thanks, mighty hospitable of you . . um .. . well . . how far is it to the next farmhouse?"

Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk, got a giggle out of that one🙂

Yankele's wife, Feige, came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
Feige was upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a Get [Jewish divorce] right away!"
Yankele replied, "Hang on just a minute, Feige, so, at least, I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
Yankele began -- "Vell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took rachmones [pity] on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well-dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the luckshen kugel I made for you last night, the food you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and, while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say it’s too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
Yankele took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that, as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' "

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
Yankele's wife, Feige, came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
Feige was upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a Get [Jewish divorce] right away!"
Yankele replied, "Hang on just a ...[text shortened]... th tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' "

... his glasses...? 🙂 No, good joke.

Originally posted by @torunn
... his glasses...? 🙂 No, good joke.

Yoshi lay on his death bed with his close friend Yitzak by his side .
Yoshi leaned toward Yikzak and said .." Yitzak, when the Germans rolled into Poland and I ended up in a concentration camp ,you was there .
And Yitzak when i was liberated and set up my tailor shop ,the tailor shop that went bankrupt and i lost everything ,Yitzak ,you was there.
And Yitzak ,when my wife left me you was there.
And now ,as i lay dying Yitzak ,you are here .
Yoshi moved closer to Yitzak and whispered in his ear....." Yitzak ,you are a fecking jinx "

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

A: At least two.

... the mystery is how they managed to get in there in the first place.